Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Never-ending Story

So sorry for the little hiatus... Dating is can get time consuming, especially when the guys are one can short of a six-pack.  Anyway, this post is about a guy I met just after I went back online in October after the disaster my friends set me up with...

I met The Never-ending Story (let's just call him Atreyu) on OKCupid, like so many others.  He was instantly charismatic over IM and email and I was sucked in by the fact that he worked with underprivileged kids.  A couple of red flags should have caught my eye right off the bat, but of course, here I was still trying to give people the benefit of the doubt.  
1. He had changed his name.  Now, ordinarily this wouldn't be an issue and I won't say (for privacy purposes) what he changed it to, but it was pretty crazy.  He had also changed his last name, but I'll get to that later.  
2. He figured out our "chart" before we even met.  Now, I like astrology, I think it's interesting and fun to think about.  However, I'm not going to live my life based on my horoscope.  This guy got my date of birth and place of birth and then emailed me pages and pages and PAGES of information on our expected compatibility.  At first I thought it was interesting... sometimes I'm really an idiot.  Gotta start paying attention to those red flags!

So, Atreyu decides that the chemistry is just too amazing online and that he needs to meet me TODAY.  I had the day off, so hey, why not.  We agree to meet downtown and since he wasn't an alcohol drinker, I decided to pick a nice tea place nearby.  I got ready and went downtown, not eating because we were meeting around 5 and if things went well we would probably get something to eat.  I got downtown with a few minutes to spare and then, ONLY THEN, do I get a text saying he's missed the train and he's going to be late.  Umm... I'm coming from the SOMA, you're coming from Oakland, how did I make it downtown before you even caught your train???!!!  The dude ended up being 30 minutes late and arrived wearing a medallion.  Yes, a fucking medallion!  Who is this guy??  I tried to keep my cool and we walked over to the tea place, to which he comments "Oh, I've been to this place, it's expensive, let's just sit outside and talk".  Are you kidding?  I know we're in California and all but it's now almost 6:00 and it's OCTOBER.  We sat outside and talked.  It was uncomfortable... he tried to skip past the usual first date stuff and get into super deep conversation right off the bat... AWKWARD!

After a while I was so hungry that I mentioned going somewhere else and getting some food.  "Oh, I already ate", he said.  Well, maybe if you would have waited, you MIGHT have been on TIME and I wouldn't be sitting OUTSIDE a tea place starving and freezing my ass off!  We ended up going to a restaurant/bar close by and sat at the bar.  I was forced to eat by myself in front of him while he just ordered a water.  Not juice, not coffee or tea... WATER.  Fine, I'm starving.  This is where the conversation got interesting/disturbing...

I asked about the ring on his right ring finger and he told me that it's his "widower's ring".  I expressed my apologies and asked if he wanted to talk about it.  He did.  He said that because they couldn't "legally" get married, they ended up changing their last names, a combination of his name and her name put together, and getting rings.  Tragically, the girl ended up being in the wrong place at the wrong time and was killed in an incident involving gang violence, which is heartbreaking.  I was confused, however, so I asked him why they couldn't legally be married...?  Oh well, because he was 13 YEARS OLD at the time!!  Ummm... this isn't 1675, people aren't married at 13, they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or a crush for fuck's sake!  According to Atreyu, kids who grow up under such horrible circumstances end up maturing sooner and therefore, are able to have the capacity for such deep relationships.  Well, I hate to break it to you, but the human brain reaches cognitive maturity in your 20's, it's called SCIENCE, look into it.

We talked for a little while longer (about more crazy stuff that I won't even go into) and he wanted to go somewhere else, I just wanted to GO.  So I started to ask the bartender for the check.  Suddenly, Atreyu vanishes to the bathroom.  He came out and I was still paying the check (red flag #394823048923) and instead of sitting back down next to me to wait, he walks past me and waits against the wall halfway to the door.  Don't mind me, I just need to finish with the check.  At this point I was so irritated that I walked out of the restaurant and down the street, thinking he was behind me.  I looked back after about 1/4 block and he's shuffling along, moping a few yards back.  I had to wait for him to catch up to me and he said sadly "Should I just go to the train".  "Yes", and I walked away.  That should have been the end.

I ended up getting 1 or 2 blocks away and my phone rang, it was him.  He wanted me to come back and "talk things out".  "I'm still waiting on the corner, come back and talk to me".  Uh, NO!  I will not continue to date someone who thinks they were "married" at age 13, who is 30 minutes late everywhere they go, and can't afford a cup of tea on a first date!  He continued to try to convince me for the next few minutes and then ended up texting me on a few occasions in the next few months afterwards.

This crazy story has gone on long enough and I need some lunch, so I guess all I can say is: keep an eye on those red flags!!

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