The Cop

The Cop was another 2-date wonder.  We met on POF and had a series of nice emails and a couple of phone conversations.  Our first date was at Luka's in Oakland and it was surprisingly good!  He was on-time, good looking, chivalrous (even brushed the crumbs off my seat for me!), and we had good conversation.  Here I was thinking my bad streak was over... not so fast Princess!  Red flag #1: One night sometime between date #1 and #2 I had a question for him and since it was getting a little late I emailed instead of calling to make sure I didn't wake him up.  "You up?"  I said.  I didn't get an email back, but what I did get was a frantic phone call at 5am wondering if I was ok.  Uhhh, yah.  I'm ok... other than now being pissed at you for waking me up!  Who calls at 5am???

Anyway, we decided to go to One Market in San Francisco for our second date.  We had definitely had a decent time and I keep hearing that your second date never lives up to your first, so I was keeping an open mind.  There were a few red flags...  While I realize that police officers carry their guns with them at all times and are trained to do so, there's a difference between having that knowledge, and having it staring you in the face for your entire date.  Put a coat on or something for christsakes!  Red flag #2: Maybe he was nervous but dude would NOT STOP talking about himself :-(  Maybe ask me one question... just ONE for the love!  Red flag #3: I noticed that he was the kind of guy who is more interested in watching others' reactions to us (he's black, I'm white) than being in the moment together...  "Oh, that guy just gave me a look" OR "Those girls were pissed to see us together".  A little sad that in this day and age (and especially in the bay area) that some people still have hang-ups about interracial couples (especially when it's one of the couple members!).  


With all of that said, I was still willing to give the guy a chance to redeem himself so I sent him an email the next day thanking him again for dinner, saying that I'd had a nice time, and hoping that he made it home safe.  He responded that he didn't "know what we're doing" and that he didn't want to be another one of my "dating statistics".  I've got three words for you... PUMP.  YOUR.  BRAKES.  Seriously, does anyone really know "what we're doing here" after two dates?  Um... don't think you can find that guy.  Anyway, I emailed him back saying that I didn't think that I could give him the commitment that he was looking for as quickly as he wanted it.  *Sigh*  I thought all the guys here were commitment-phobic, NOT the other way around :-(

Dot not Feather

My next date seemed promising.  We chatted well over IM and he seemed to be a creative date-planner.  Now, after the recent epic fails that you've read about in my previous posts, I was a little gun-shy about going on a full-on first date with this next guy.  He suggested a picnic for our date and seemed opposed to the idea of just getting coffee or a drink on our first meeting so we decided to grab coffee and then drive somewhere for the picnic afterwards.  I asked him if there was anything I could bring for the picnic and he said that he had it all covered.  

DNF picked me up from my house (again, NOT a good idea, but we all live and learn) in his car (read: penis extension) and one of the first things out of his mouth was how he thought I would look better with long hair.  Wow.  Thanks for the unsolicited advice!  This is going to be a loooooong day.  Sigh.

So, I took us to south park where I assumed we could get a coffee somewhere and then talk a little.  For some reason I totally spaced that it was Memorial Day and nothing would be open.  Oops!  We decided to just stay in south park and have our little picnic there.  To my dismay, this is what my date though a "picnic" entailed:

-1 box of crackers.

-1 package of pre-sliced cheese from Safeway.

-4 bottles of wine.

Hmmm... let's take a step back and see what kind of message we are sending, boys!  There's  no way this can get any worse, right?  Wrong!  It turns out, DNF has decided that antagonizing+rudeness=flirting.  He repetitively attacks me with "Oh, you're getting me confused with all of these other guys you're dating" every time I ask him a question or don't have his entire profile committed to memory.  He then moves on to "Oh, you're not listening" when I ask him a question about what university he went to.  At one point I had to put my foot down and say "Look, I don't need this, I can just walk home from here" for him to smarten up and stop being such a freak.  We made it through one bottle of wine and I'm wonder "how does he think this is going well at all???" when he tries to open the second bottle.

I get him to drive me home and the SOB has the nerve to ask if he can kiss me when he gets to my place.  All I could do was give him and incredulous look and get out of the car.  Would it be too much to ask for a date that is not completely socially retarded?

The 40 Year Old Virgin

This was one of those times when the red flags were stacking up but you decided to ignore them and the "nice girl" inside got the upper hand...

I met The 40 Year Old Virgin on plenty of fish.  For those of you who haven't visited this shit-box they call a website, picture the internet equivalent of monkeys throwing feces at a fence, the worst part of which, is the photo quality.  Now, I'd like to think I'm pretty open minded when it comes to physical attraction (I don't really have a type) but with this particular website, you often don't know what you're going to get.

The Virgin and I emailed a few times and then moved to talking on the phone.  While his restaurant choices for our upcoming date included Red Lobster and The Elephant Bar, I tried not to judge.  When he called me soon after hanging up from a call a few days before our first date, I was disappointed to learn that the reason for the call-back was to make sure it didn't "freak me out" when he had told me that he wanted to "settle down soon" in our previous conversation.  Now, I didn't really remember that he had said that but NOW I'm freaked out.  Against my better judgement I went ahead with the date.

We met at a semi-trendy Mexican-ish restaurant in Oakland.  To my dismay, he looked his age (38 and the top of my range) and clearly does not exercise as much as advertised.  We sit down and start talking (and by we, I mean HE starts talking).  I hear all about his mind-numbing job, his house in Hayward and how much is house payments are, and how he's such a great guy because he helps out his family financiall.  By helping out I mean that he allows his sister to be his MAID to make some extra money.  Amongst the scintillating conversation, we manage to order food, which is difficult because "there's not enough meat" on the menu.  Um, why did you agree to meet me here then?  I imagine that working on a computer all day, you may have discovered little things like Google or Yelp?  FML.  Anyway, so in between hearing Mr. Wonderful alternate between talking about himself and how expensive the food is "for what you get" at the restaurant, he tells me how he often flakes on his dates but when he was just about to flake on ME, he looked back over my profile pictures and said to himself, "dude are you crazy??".  Lucky me.

Thankfully the check finally comes and he picks it up but I notice that he had totally stiffed the waitress on the tip.  Seriously big spender with your awesome job and minuscule house payments?  Way to round out a perfect evening.  I avoided the awkward walk to the car by saying that I was going to use the washroom after we had reached the front door of the restaurant, at which time I went back and gave the waitress some more cash.

If there's one thing that I learned from this guy it is to trust my gut.  It's called women's intuition for a reason!  If there are alarm bells ringing in your head girls, listen to them, trust me.

Easy to please

This post is for all of you single gentlemen.  I had a revelation tonight over some pasta and a glass of wine with a good friend.  For all of the time you spend telling us (or telling your friends) that we're high maintenance or crazy, we're actually pretty easy to please!  If you've just started dating a girl, just follow these three rules and you should be pretty much golden:

1. Ask me some questions.
2. Pick up the check.
3. Call me tomorrow.

This should ensure a fairly seamless evening with most sane women.  Good luck out there!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!!  I hope that everyone has a blast tonight.  Stay safe don't forget to kiss a few frogs!

The Guido

The Guido was my second date from POF and things were looking promising.  We had IM'd and chatted on the phone a little.  He was a year older than me, a San Francisco native, was very physically active, and worked in the family business.  He had done some college but I can't remember if he'd graduated before having to help out in the business (importing food and wine from Italy, YUM!).  He suggested that we go out for dinner in North Beach and I was excited, who better to pick a restaurant in North Beach than an Italian?  He claimed to be 'a real man' and thus, was going to pick me up from my place and drive us to dinner.  MISTAKE #1:  Never let them know where you live on your first date!

He showed up on time but, again, was shorter than advertised (I'm starting to sense a theme here) and for some reason just looked older than he had said (29 but looked 35+, hmm...) and there was definitely a question as to whether he was as fit as he had let on.  We found parking in North Beach (finally) but had to walk aways to the restaurant.  We stop in front of a restaurant on Columbus and he asks the guy at the door is "so-and-so" in.  "So-and-so" is not in, he's at another restaurant so The Guido introduces himself to the door guy and says he wanted to stop by and check the place out.  He walks in and takes a quick look and thanks door guy and we keep walking.  What is going on here?  You make me walk forever in heels and then we're not even going to eat there?  Why are you wasting time on errands when we're on a date and I'm hungry?  He says that it was his friend's "new place" and he had wanted to check it out... Weird.

We FINALLY get to the restaurant we're ACTUALLY going to eat at and it's a lot of [insert guido inflection] "Heyyy!" "Heyyy!" shaking hands with everyone in the place.  OK, I get it, you know people here, can we just eat already??  After going through the rigamarole of choosing our table (because he's the big man that needs to act like he owns the place) he starts ordering for me.  Now, this typically would seem like a romantic gesture but we JUST met, you have no idea what I like or if I'm allergic to anything.  I had to correct him a few times on things that I wouldn't eat, and of course he's gotta be fancy and order things that aren't on the menu, but finally we got our order in.

Then came the fun part...  Our conversation consisted of us re-living his high school football glory days and how he "shoulda gone pro" but his coach had it in for him and didn't give him enough playing time.  Really?  You're barely 6 feet tall and I'm pretty sure I could outrun you, who are we kidding?  Throughout this stimulating conversation it seemed like every single busboy, line cook, sous chef, waiter, etc. had stopped by our table to "say hello" (read: size me up).  We finally get the check and are able to leave.  He dropped me off saying that he'd call me again soon and I politely thank him for dinner.

He called me a few times and I'm hoping that just ignoring the calls will send the right message.  It doesn't, he keeps calling.  I decided to send him an email through POF saying that I didn't think we were a great match but that I wish him luck in his search.  He is not to be dissuaded.  I get an email back asking why oh why do I think we aren't a good match.  I try to say something generic and that it didn't really matter but that I wish him luck in the future.  "Please just tell me what I did so I don't do it again" he says, "It won't hurt my feelings" he says...  So I give in and tell him that I don't appreciate being paraded around North Beach while he acts like the big man and sitting through stories about his high school football glory days.  MISTAKE #2: Never tell them the brutal truth about why you don't want to see them again.

This incited a nasty email about how I don't know anything because I'm not Italian (Hello!?  I recently dated an Italian for 5 years, I think I'm pretty familiar with how they are... and AREN'T).  Being an Aries woman though, I couldn't just let it go.  I responded back heatedly and then blocked his ass!  That'll show him, right?  Wrong.  He emails to my personal email saying that "it's funny" that I tried to block him on POF because he has my personal email and because "I know where you live".  Um, scary!  I decided to take the high road at that point and once I stopped trying to get the last word in, he stops harassing me.

Lessons learned... never let him pick you up at your place on the first date, don't tell him what you REALLY think if you decide not to go for a second date, and maybe it's a good idea just to go for coffee on the first date!

Date #1: The Klingon

The gentleman from my first POF date has recently resurfaced, creating such incredible symmetry that it was the final straw that prompted me to finally start writing this blog.  While, not the worst date or even in the top 5 really, since he was the first, I'll start from the beginning...

The Klingon and I were matched on POF and he contacted me the same day I uploaded my profile.  He was a medical device sales rep and seemed sweet and intelligent.  We made plans to meet for a drink for our first date the very next day!  Initially this appeared to be necessary because of other scheduling conflicts but trust me girls, raise a yellow flag if he's too available.

We met up for a drink at a bar near my house and while he didn't appear to be quite as tall as his profile had said, he was better looking and thinner, so I chalked it up to a 'win'.  While having a little of that first-date awkwardness, the conversation seemed to go well and we were enjoying each other's company.  We had a small kiss goodnight and planned on seeing each other again soon.

We planned to meet up again that Saturday (1st date was Tuesday) for a picnic.  I asked what I could bring, he said he had it all taken care of and that he would come pick me up so we could ride the MUNI together out to GG park for the picnic (awww! or so I thought).  As we're riding the MUNI I notice that he's a very affectionate person... holding my hand, touching my leg, kissing me.  Now, we all have our acceptable levels of PDA.  I'll hold someone's hand and maybe kiss them once or twice, but the people on the MUNI do not need to see us all over each other, and especially not on DATE #2!

We finally get to the park and we start walking to find a place to setup camp.  Along the way we pass a couple in front of the Conservatory of Flowers lying down with each other, totally intertwined and making out.  I made it a point to comment on the inappropriate amount of PDA as we kept walking.  We find our spot and start the picnic.  The guy had done pretty well... bread, cheese, salami, strawberries, cake for dessert, and of course some adult beverages.  It seemed to be going fine until the alcohol started to kick in and The Klingon reared his ugly head...  I found myself having to repeatedly extricate myself from this boy's grasp while dodging attempted make-out sessions AND try and look natural!  Clearly he was not listening when had I voiced my disgust of the couple earlier... that or he's a cheap drunk.

Afterward, we ended up meeting up with his roommate and the roommate's girlfriend (why did I continue the date, you may be wondering... I'm not sure but I guess we all have a learning curve when it comes to weeding out the weirdos).  So we end up at the Connecticut Yankee in Potrero Hill and while his roommate turns out to be a very fun, interesting, funny guy (albeit unattractive), the Klingon continues with the attempted PDA (SUPER awkward now that we've dropped roommate's GF off and it's just the three of us!) and begins to stoop to the level of fishing for compliments from me.  I clearly didn't respond correctly because he starts saying things more blatantly like "Oh, I can tell you don't like me that much", forcing me to say something positive about him.  At one point, the roommate even had to tell him to cool it!

Needless to say, I ended the date after the disaster that was the Connecticut Yankee.  *sigh*  It just goes to show you that not everyone lets their crazy out on the first date, so keep your guard up ladies!  Unfortunately, this special Stage-5 clinger didn't know when to stop, and continued to call/email/IM for a week or two asking for another chance (which he was denied, of course).  In an interesting turn of events, I received an IM from him just this week wishing me a 'happy holidays'... believe me, 8 months is NOT long enough to forget the awkwardness, Mr. Klingon... when a girl says no, LISTEN!